Disecting Jelousy

Jealousy

Definitions

As with many of relationship topics, a certain amount of attention to what we mean by particular words is helpful and often necessary when discussing jealousy.

It is important to distinguish jealousy from envy. To oversimplify, jealousy is angry, envy is wistful. Jealousy is destructive, envy rarely is.

Insecurity, as used below, just means a lack of security. It does not imply that the insecure person is bad, or good. It does not imply that the insecurity is warranted or unwarranted. It simply means that the person is not secure, either in themselves, their relationship, or what have you.
Jealousy is Insecurity

This is an important point. Feelings of jealousy always appear to stem from one's sense that something about their life is not secure, e.g., is uncertain or in danger.

Several readers have objected to this particular point because they believe that insecurity is necessarily pejorative. That's not what I mean by the word. (I'd love a better word, but I don't have one.) It could be that this lack of security is very well founded--that the partner is about to run off with 'the other woman'. Is it okay to be bothered by that? Of course it is.

In some cases, the insecurity is not founded on realistic dangers to the relationship. If that is really the case, then you (the jealous partner) may wish to consider where your insecurities are coming from. Solving those sorts of insecurities isn't easy, but until you do you'll continue to face those feelings.

Since we tend to become more secure in relationships as they become more stable with time, you may find that time is your ally in dealing with jealousy.
Polyamory can be a Breeding Ground for Insecurity

For those of us entering polyamory from a world in which monogamy is the standard, polyamory is fertile ground for situations which test the security of a person in the strength and security of their relationship with another partner. Society is extremely good at creating and enforcing monogamous expectations, and these expectations can promote feelings of insecurity.

Of course, some situations are easier to handle than others.

Infatuation and/or NRE (New Relationship Energy) often makes this worse. In a new relationship, there's already some reason to be less certain of how the relationship will work out (you know the person less well.) Now add in the fact that you, yourself, are perhaps a bit obsessed with your new partner (infatuation can be like that), and mix that in with a poly relationship (your partner may have other relationships that need time and energy), and you can easily see how it could be more difficult to maintain a sense of safety early on.

Of course, being infatuated with a new partner A can affect the energy you put into a preexisting relationship as well, and that can similarly cause stress on your existing partner(s).

A particular situation that many people I know find difficult is social situations in which several of a person P's partners are present at the same social event. This sort of situation can invite comparisons, and are more difficult for many people to handle at first than seeing people separately. If P's partner Q has several partners as well, and so on, the dynamics can be quite complex, and sometimes unpleasant.

On the other hand, I don't want to say that polyamory is all about being insecure. Quite the contrary. After a while, you may very well find that you feel more secure in your relationship with your partner. In many ways, being polyamorous the last few years has really improved my level of security greatly, both in my relationships and to a lesser extent outside of them as well.
An Ounce of Prevention is Worth a Pound of Cure

There are things you can do to mitigate or help existing insecurities. There are things you can do to avoid insecurities before they happen. The latter things tend to be cheaper and more effective.

If a partner does something which triggers the insecurity of the other, that insecurity can feel like a breach of trust, and that is very difficult to heal. In particular, these feelings often come up in relationships that are attempting to transition from a monogamous to a polyamorous model. So, avoiding breaking trust in the first place is pretty important.

You can avoid the loss of trust to some effect through preparation. If you set your limits with the goal of avoiding insecurity, if you make avoiding the creation of insecurity a goal, then mistakes or misunderstandings can be dealt with in an environment that is still sending the right messages... and trust may not be as damaged.

Consider your needs and commitments, too, before setting limits. If you have two new partners, you might reasonably decide that you're not willing to treat one partner at a disadvantage to another in order to avoid jealousy in the second. So, be clear with all your partners what you are willing to commit to and what you aren't, and if you stick by those commitments, you'll build a sense of trust with your partners.

Trust is a very important thing to keep in mind for people trying to successfully make the transition from monogamy to polyamory. In those cases, I strongly recommend going very slow, communicating often, and giving some care to both people's comfort when it comes to deciding how quickly to make the transition. In my case, I'd say that the transition from monogamy to the form of poly I practice involved a year of (as it turned out) my partner slowly releasing me from limits that we'd carefully negotiated--but that process happened with her at the throttle, because her comfort was important to me, our relationship was important to me. And because of that we had a very smooth comfortable transition, and I had a lot of fun in the meantime. You might say: "A year??? That's way too long!" My response is this: if we'd gone faster, it would've either taken longer (because my wife wouldn't've been comfortable) or it would have damaged our relationship. Wasn't worth the price for me.

Of course, it is possible to agree (together) to try and push a limit, e.g., to try it out and see whether it does create insecurity in a partner. For some people, in some circumstances, this is easier than waiting. To the extent that this agreement is within the goals of both partners, even 'mistakes' here again aren't as likely to create dangerous levels of insecurity because they are mutually agreed upon.
Don't Deny Jealousy, Deal with It

Okay, let's say you've found that you are jealous. It's not going to be easy, but what can you do to solve it?

One of the biggest mistakes you can make is to try and hide it (in the long term, that doesn't mean you have to display it at the moment you feel it.) Jealousy is usually a signal of something needing fixing, and ignoring that usually only makes things worse.

Instead, I would suggest asking yourself "What do I feel insecure about?" Do I feel unattractive or uninteresting myself? Do I doubt the other persons love for me? Their physical attraction? Do I doubt that I can have the type of relationship I want?

Once you've figured out what the core discomfort is, then it's appropriate to ask yourself if your fears are well-founded. If it is, perhaps talking to your partner about what you are afraid of and why you believe your fears are well-founded makes sense.

A different case is where you are pretty sure that your fears are unwarranted, but you just feel insecure (often about yourself more than the relationship) anyhow. That, in my experience, is a more difficult case, and it's hard to know precisely what to do about it, but I have been there, and part of what worked for me lies in the story behind the next item....
Security is a Habit

In my first secondary relationship, I was very much in love with a wonderful woman J who had several partners, and there was a distinct mismatch of interest. There was definitely interest both ways, but I was far more involved than she was. Over time I found that that, coupled with some difficulties she had communicating the level of her interest in me, combined with my own inexperience, led me to feel generally crappy about myself. Unattractive, uninteresting, uninspiring.

Eventually I realized I'd go nuts if that continued. (I should've just left the relationship, but that's another matter.) Instead I chose to try and find a way to work on my core insecurity. I tried an idea a friend of mine suggested that sounded crazy--but I was desperate enough to try it. He suggested just trying to aggressively use the intellectual brain to keep fighting emotional insecure feelings. E.g., if I felt unattractive, to remember and focus on things in my life that showed that I really was.

I found this to be somewhat difficult at first, but the really interesting part to me is that as little as two or three weeks in I started finding that my brain would come to my defense more and more automatically when I felt insecure. And as it did, more and more, I also starting feeling insecure less and less often. I would say it was a month of hard work, another month of a little bit of tuning-up now and then... and all of a sudden being secure has become sort of a habit for me. Strange, I know, but it is what happened.
Other Ways of Dealing with Unfounded Fears

Therapy can be another good way of dealing with unfounded internal fears, especially so if you can find a therapist who isn't biased against polyamory. Unfortunately, there is often a personal stigma attached to doing something like this, and that is truly unfortunate. It doesn't make you a bad, broken person to see a therapist. Instead, it makes you someone who wants to be happy, and is willing to work towards making that goal come true.

Sometimes its helpful to avoid some sorts of situations, or to at least distract yourself from the elements of the situation that cause you to feel jealous. If your partner and their other partner are paying a lot of attention to each other at a party, perhaps you might find it more comfortable to be in a different room, or to focus on talking to someone else.

In other cases, sometimes it's enough that I focus on the feelings of my partner. Back at that party, if I know that my partner and their partner haven't seen each other in a month, and I can see how happy them being together makes my partner, sometimes just feeling happy for her through my love for her is enough to make me feel comfortable and happy again. This can be hard to do, no question... but it can pay off as well if you can manage to put aside your fears and focus on your partner.

For example, I have a new partner A. She has another partner K. K recently sent me a note in which she said that although she did feel jealous of A and I now and then, she could see that I was good for our common partner, and she was glad that I was around, and that seeing how I was helping A made it easier for her. As a bonus, K's letter deeply moved both me (and, when I told her about it, A), and the resulting expressions of caring all around made everyone feel a lot more comfortable.

Sometimes jealous feelings can be triggered because we have unspoken expectations of our partner that aren't met. You went out the last three Tuesdays, but then your partner wasn't available the next. If you find yourself expecting something unspoken (often a hard thing to realize), you may find it helpful to sometimes ask your partner how they feel about that ("We're you thinking we should make a habit out of going out on Tuesday?"). By clarifying your partners intentions, you'll be less likely to end up feeling disappointed and hurt.

Jealous Feelings vs. Jealous Actions

Unfortunately, it is all too common that jealous feelings get translated into actions. While I have the greatest sympathy for people who feel jealous in different situations, and while I understand that those feelings can be painful, I have little patience with people who use those feelings as an excuse for inappropriate, overly dramatic, or violent behavior. Such behavior is at best unacceptable, often unethical, and, when it becomes violent, illegal. And in general the pattern of such relationships is that they get worse.

Are you in a relationship in which your partner constantly makes false accusations about your intentions because of his or her jealous feelings? Do these accusations proceed into arguments, or, worse yet, violence? Does your partner seem to fear you having friends, having a job? Do they try and control your life? If any of this sounds familiar to you, you aren't dealing with jealousy, you are dealing with abuse. Domestic violence. Battering.

These words refer to more than physical violence. They also refer to a whole relationship pattern in which the abused partner begins giving up power and independence to the abuser because of the threat of the abusers actions, whether those actions are premeditated or not. Abusers are not necessarily proud of what they do, many of them are simply unable to control their own actions. In many cases, abusers are survivors of abuse themselves. But that doesn't make it right, that doesn't make it tolerable.

As a rule, peaceful negotiation techniques and counseling have a poor record of turning violent relationships into healthy ones. If you are in such a relationship, in particular if you find that the situation is worsening, even slowly, you may be in danger, and my heartfelt advice at this point is that you get out now.

Why are my feelings so strong on this subject? Perhaps it's the letter in my inbox right now from a person who tried to work through an abusive relationship, and is now trying to work through the damage the SWAT team did to the house when they had to be called to deal with the abuser.

It doesn't matter if you are gay, straight, bi, transgendered, Lesbian, white, black, brown, green, or polka-dotted, male, female, whatever, abusive relationships happen in every segment of the population.

Nobody deserves to be treated abusively.

from http://joe.bi.org/jealousy.html (before your thoughts get kinky, no i'm straight!)

posted it here for personal perusal. need one. i don't only have to get myself together, i also have to learn... shhhhhhh...